I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
