We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
