I faked an abortion last night.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
