I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
