Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
