My friends, they love my intelligence
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
