Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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