She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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