I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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