Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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