I need help removing her.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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