We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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