the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
