i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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