I'm going to rape someone's good day.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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