you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
