omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
