Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
