need another drink. this is the easiest way
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
