I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
