Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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