I forgot how hot balto sounded
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
