First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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