Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
