A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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