Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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