Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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