I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
