And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
