i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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