He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Dignity is for republicans.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I wish there were birth control emojis
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Randomize
