Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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