I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
