If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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