I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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