I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
