I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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