Your face is a jimmy john
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
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