Moan for me like Helen Keller
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
