drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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