I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
