Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
