there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
