I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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