the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
