3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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