you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
