And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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