the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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