Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
