I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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